July 16 2017

I’m scared that I’m going to forget how to be happy . I frightened that I’ll lose hope that I will ever be truly happy and carefree again .

It’s like a cosmic joke , I had planned to make a new demo for hotel work . Then last week I felt ill so decided that this coming week I would do that .
I had gone to the doc . He said I was fine and it was viral .
Well I’m not fine .
Maybe it’s the universe saying ” oh for fucks sake,  give up and let it all go ”
I have a gig in two weeks . That may sound like a long way away but it isn’t with a voice like this .  ( a non voice ) ( an emphysemic sounding raspy fucked up whisper )
Holy fuck !
fuck fuckkkkkkeyy fuuuuuck !
🙀 !
When am I going to start writing things like-         ” you won’t believe what happened! I got the most awesome job”
Or ” I’ve started working with some new amazing creative musicians ”
Or “I am selling my pics ”
Or ” I’m sooo happy ”
Or ” I met the yummiest guy ”
Or ” I had sex with the yummiest guy ”
All I got is –
“I lost my voice ” ( a fact many people may rejoice at )

I feel like shit.
I was listening to deepak chopra which really helps ..
Illness is just a moment in our lives etcetc ..
I get it .
But I want to give in and write all my friends and MOAN .
I really do . I want to throw a big festive pity party with me wearing the tinsel party hat .
But what’s the fucking point?
Feeling sorry for myself is sooooo STUPID . It is negative blocked energy that gets me nowhere,  stops me moving forward and doesn’t make whatever the fuck I’ve caught go away .
I’m being blocked by some other force .

Truly , at every turn .
What the fuck is that about .
So not only can’t I do my other new demo for     ” soft” songs,
I was also going to do a new narration demo and my agent who so kindly offered to let me professionally record it at her studio had a family emergency and had to leave the country.
No I’m not making this up .
It’s all crazy .

Maybe I am rebooting.


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