July 20 2017

Waiting to get my mammogram and ultra sound ( when will they get those Star Trek scanners and get instant results WITHOUT having to cram boobs between plastic plates and then wait for weeks for the results )…

Looking around at the efficient nurses,doctors receptionists, and it makes me wonder –
What makes all these people so different from me?
They all get up to go to work every day. They do their job, take their lunch break and go home . They go out on weekends , shopping , meeting friends, dinner, dates, dreaming of being married and having a family .
How did I seem to miss that agenda .
Did I go wrong ? Did I miss out ?
Am I cursed or am I lucky ?
I’ve spent most of my life drifting along , somehow managing to be clothed and fed.

I have a roof over my head and have taken a holiday here and there, lived in other countries, fallen in and out of love, had some adventures and have good friends .
But I don’t function like everyone else .

I wake up feeling lost, feeling like there is something I’m supposed to do but have no idea what it is .

When I was younger I went to stay with my uncle . Early every morning I would get up and catch a bus into town . I would go sit at the department store that had all the phones in the ladies lounge section. There I would ring up my friends and spend half the day on the phone .
My uncle thought it was cool that  I was out so early in the morning . He probably thought I was at cafes having a grand time , instead I was sitting on the phone talking to friends that that lived 15 minutes away by bus.
My parent never allowed me to have friends over so I figured it was the same for my friends so I never invited myself over .

I’ve always felt lost .
My photos and music give me some purpose but it’s not enough .
How many of us feel this way? (I have a sneaking suspicion I’m not alone)

I remember what I used to do when I felt lost . I would CRANK up the stereo and dance around and sing like a crazy person . Somehow that made everything ok.
I tried that tonight – the modern version -Aka iPhone /earphones, after a few glasses of wine, and guess what ?
Plus I get to cuddle and kiss my kitties in between the madness ( they don’t look perturbed … they seem used to it , so maybe I’m not as tame as I think 😝?)

And later still….

I think I have clock dyslexia!
I wake up and the clock says it’s 7 am. I go for a pee and go back to sleep.
Then I have another dream ( I always dream ) and wake up later and find IT’S SEVEN O’CLOCK !
The fuck !?
So either I time travel when I’m asleep or I have clock dyslexia !

( wouldn’t if he cool to sleep time travel … you could sleep as much as you like and wake up early )

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