August 4 2017

I totally am understanding the concept of pairing up .
The loneliness is exhausting.

I had some dark moments today .

I got home from cat sitting and the cat grass at my place was dead , puke on the floor , bed needs changing etcetc and of course my happy home is no more .

I know it doesn’t seem like much but sometimes its the little shit that piles up and all it takes is one more thing to send you over the edge.


I made a  stupid decision  in letting Marty  ( one of the kitties I was cat sitting) out and the other sitter has been unable to get him back in .
My friend wasn’t checking her FB though she knew I was completely overwhelmed at one of the cats  not coming back .
I wrote another friend and she didn’t reply .
I just felt enormous waves of sadness and uselessness .
It was so overwhelming I just started sobbing like an idiot .
The feeling I had let down a naughty but precious creature .
I made a huge series of bad decisions that started from letting him out . And has led me here 10 hours later still no Marty .


When the other sitter turned up, I was just trying to lure him in and he was close but she turns up not alone like she was supposed to but with her brother AND his girlfriend IN a huge van !!!

Marty ran off.

I went back home , went out to meet a friend convinced I would get a mail telling me all was well and kitty had returned but that didn’t happen .
So I went back !
Thinking what ? I was going to save the fucking day and he would magically come running ?
I busted in on the sitter having dinner with her bros girlfriend.

No Marty .

I couldn’t hang around like I thought I was going to, imagining joining forces waiting for the little shit to return .
So I checked around outside the house for a bit, yelled for the little cunt and sprinkled cat nip into the wind …..


I showed the other sitter what to do to lure him back in and left .
I had gone all the way there for literally NOTHING.
I haven’t had time with MY babies .
Missed my train stop and caught a taxi because I just couldnt take another step .

Still no kitty .
The other cat sitter really doesn’t seem to give a rats arse.
I doubt very much that she kept a vigil .

( Believe me I would have camped in front of the front door )

I’m going back.
What’s the point of going out and enjoying myself .( some summer things on today, including an invite to the beach )

How can I go?
I will be constantly freaked and checking my messages .
It’s been 24 hours .
I’m SURE the sitter had her brother back over and freaked Marty out .

He hasn’t  had his meds.

He’s sick and needs meds twice a day

I’m feeling really sad .
I understand a lot more why women stay with cheating partners .
Moments like these you want the familiar and comfort from someone you’ve known for so many years .
I’ve lost all that .
Friends are brilliant but that void can’t be filled by them .
It’s a chasm that I am not sure can ever be bridged .
I can’t stop crying .

I want to fling blame around but it’s really no ones fault .
I’m stressed angry alone and feel utterly useless .
I don’t understand why some people can cruise along on half a tank of morality .
The sitter has gone OUT FOR LUNCH . ( ok so still a little blame to be flung)

I got back here around 1:30pm.

I’ve even exchanged mails from my ex . .
Even though I think his words of support are useless .

I told the sitter to put water out for him near the front door .
I get here and find she’s used the other kitties kibble bowl.
So that means the other kitty had no kibble .
I don’t even feel like drinking .
( how fucked up is that ).

I really didn’t think I could ever feel as bad as the day I found out IT was cheating on me .


I was wrong .


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