When a womans life gets ripped apart does it come down to Willpower to survive ?
Willpower to keep it together . Willpower to start a new life . Willpower to NOT go backwards . Willpower to move forward.
What exactly is willpower ? Is it the same as ” resolve” is it Inspiration ? Desire? Fear of failure? a mix of all of those?
For me its so fucking random.
When I decided I wanted to be a singer, I searched for a teacher, someone I could afford and who I thought could help me become a rock goddess.
There were none to be found that fit my rock parameters.
So then I decided to find a teaching system which I could buy online . I found and ordered a 4 cd set and started training .
I taught myself how to sing .
I used to be a keyboard player but I think I sucked .
It’s not that I couldn’t play, I studied piano since I was five . I went to the Conservatorium. I took exams and learned theory and can read music. I could play Chopin, Mozart Beethoven reasonably well but it’s when I became a rock keyboardist, I realised I sucked. I figured I was never going to be John Lord and I really wanted people to be inspired . I wanted people to say ” holy fuck you are so amazing!!! ”
It wasn’t for my ego that I needed to hear this, it was for my love of music.
I didn’t just want to be normal I didn’t want to be ordinary. I wanted to be more than that . And so I practiced those 4 cds every day . And I became that singer . I became that something that I liked .
But when will power is required for most anything else , I fail miserably .
I am so bad at the things most people take for granted including waking up at a ” reasonable ” hour .
I have no dedication past the things that really inspire me .
Then of course I miss the point that I so have things to be thankful for, my ‘willpower’ that also taught me photography and to how to sew .
The infinite hours I’ve spent going through my photos and making my website .
My lyrics and my songs, remain in mothballs ( for many reasons )
No will power to get them organised and yet I love them.
When I saw the things in my husband (AKA goat fucker) (no he didnt actually fuck a goat but one of my besties decided this was a suitable name and I agreed) that I knew were not going to be good for me or my future , I failed to listen to that thunderous inner voice and felt my resolve drain .
I loved him.
Things would work out .
But they didn’t .
They steadily got worse .
Money drained and with it my confidence and clarity .
I knew I needed to get out but I loved him. I knew I should leave but I didn’t.
I believed in him.
I just didn’t realize I had stopped believing in me .
This is what we do .
We have all been there at some point .
We get caught up in ” marriage is hard work”
We delude ourselves and berate ourselves and somehow we are the ones to blame .
It must be our fault the sex has gone . I must be our fault money is tight . After all he is working the full time job . Wtf am I doing.?
I became listless and limp.
Now that I’ve been shaken awake I’m still feeling levels of listlessness that have been part of my life for so long .
I’m not blaming him for it .
I’m definitely aware I’ve done this to myself for allowing myself to stay in a marriage where I may have found my singing voice but that other voice was gone.
My opinion and advice was ignored .
I was rendered mute. Well maybe not exactly mute . When our voices are repressed we become nags.
Nag nag nag
Repetitive in our advice, repetitive in our concerns, repetitive and louder in our complaints .
Nag nag nag .
When men wonder why we become that way maybe they shouldn’t have tried so hard to stomp on our opinions and to ignore us.
And maybe WE shouldn’t have let them do it .
It is true .
They never listen .
And here I am .
My Cunty Cunty journal awakens .
I’m going to add entries from the past year and a half ….a collection of random thoughts, some ridiculous , maybe a smidge of inspiration and some sobbing moaning and bitching from before my life got shredded and the aftermath.
The entries may not be in sequence .
What ever is ?
I have zero idea if anyone will give care. But I don’t want to be silent anymore.